I am insanenly anxious. It is driving me insane. I realize that all men are pigs but at the same time i just wanted to be loved and wanted. I want to know that someone wants to hug and kiss me right now and that i have somewhere to go to when i am feeling bad. There is a guy i really wish felt the same way about me, even though he is in oregon. I would have probably driven there this weekend had i known he wnts to see me. But me constantly texting him and sending him messages on facebook is definetely not helping the situation, I just need to forget about him and let him go. But the only way for me to get rid of the obsession has been to find another one. And it is just not happening any time soon. men are pigs. i am most certainly giving out a wrong kind of vibe They think i want them... retards. I have a vibrator.

Job situation is not getting better either. I need a new job, Something woth more money and more responsibility and more excitement and new experiences. I just need to find something to be stressed out about so i can stop thinking about how lonely and miserable i am.

And i need a new hobby. Snowboarding is great but i need something that will give me more adrenalin. Although i might as well take boarding to new level and go razy with it. I am kinda giving up on dancing idea just because its sort of lame. there are so many more things out there that i would rather be doing. Maybe mountain bike some time soon? I already know three people who love it. I am sure i could find more.

New man, new job, new hobby and a couple more things to keep myslef busy. All i need right now Oh yeah and i want to move somewhere. new state or new country. Soon. So over seattle. So conclusion of the day: i need to change something. Change it fast and start living not contemplating over what needs to be done.

A quick reminder for the New 2012:
1. Men are pigs.
2. Drinking is getting old. Getting shitfaced is so 2011
3. Don't be scared to use your entire vocabulary.
4. Stay away from shallow people.
5. Move on. There is no need to sit on front of a shell waiting for it to grow a pearl.
6. Don't be scared to make people feel awkward. Especially if they are the ones putting themselves in that position.
7. Say NO loud and clear.
8. Do not be the first to text or call a guy. Ever. No exceptions.
9. Friends are forever.
10. Follow your own rules

I feel like im ready for a new adventure. I am ready to leave this man behind and embark on a new adventure. REady to forget dan for good. ready to fall in love and flirt again. But not ready to marry or anything of the sort. I am ready to leave this rainy city and trade it for something new... yes. crazy i know. ready to go again. I love new places. Just need to find the one that's gonna be new every day. LOL) good luck with that! ha! anyway. Life goes on. I am ready for life to begin!

I hate the idea of going to work today. And tomorow. And now that i started complaining, day after tomorow too! What I really want to do is hang out with friends. Go out to eat and play around. Or at least work a job that pays me a lot more money than the one i am working now. I am kinda overwhelmed with my homework too. For god's sake! English, you kiddin' me? I thiought i was one with it 3 years ago! But no, it all comes back! At least, i tell myself i will have a diploma. And the internet sanitation, plus presentation on the bakery and looking for a new job and keeping the house clean, plus i want to be able to go to the gym as often as I please and start french, tennis and photography! I would really love to find someone to talk to about my realtionships too. I am getting so flustered by all this but at the same time i dont have enough time to be sad and tired. Which is a great thing!!!

Brodit' no4ami po bolshomu gorodu i slushat' kak bketsya ego serdce. Vdihat' mokrii vozduh i jdat' rassveta. I znat' 4to nad rugom konce sveta jdet zame4atelneishii 4elovek.

V predvkushenii novih i horosho zabitih 4uvstv i emocii)


Ustala rabotat'. ho4u Vihodnoi. odin bolshoi i globalnii. 4tobi vispatsya po samoe ne ho4u, sdelat' vse dela i navalyatsya na divane. i uspet' shodit v sportzal

Normally i would post if im pissed or upset or things are not going so well. I know that if i erad my blog years back, i will think i am a pessimist, hysterical beach and what not. Well i am.
Today im not pissed, not upset. Just cruising along the day. waking up. eating breakfast. Doing and not doing things i was supposed to do. GEtting ready to go work. Its like my body is living this life but my mind is completely focused on the trip. Trips. I am a lot more excited aboiut having a goodbye party in about a month and a half to say bue to everyone we've met here, all the nice people to see them once again and say i hope i never have to come back.
I guess i just need to make it through the next 4 weeks, make it home, 3 more weeks, make it to seattle and start living again. Start the school and enjoy life like i can.
I've gotten relly BLAh. thats my new permanent state of mind. I dont know if am working that much that im getting tired( but 50 hrs a week is not too much!). So i could not possibly be tired of that. I could probably say, im working out a lot(but i only got o gym like twice a week!). I dont know what it is thats wrong with me. Im just blah. I dont have enough juice in me to fight it off and be cheerful and happy again. could i be sick?
i would loooove to spend a day ina hammock somesherefar from here.
im tired of making plans! I need to start living them

weird state of mind. kogda 4ego to ho4etsya, a 4ego - neponyatno. Kogda vse len' i zlus' na sebya za to 4to ni4ego ne delau. KOgda ho4etsya mnogo, a polu4aetsya maloo. kogda ustala - glavnaya otmazka. horosho 4to takoe prihodit tolko inogda. i vrode est 4ego jdat i 4emu radovatsya, a ne raduet. i domoi skoro, no vse ravno kak to pe4alno. i sex v bolshom gorode ne poradoval... stareu. Eh.
Spasla 4erepashku i stalo lu4she. poidu eshe kogo spasu

sometimes you need to stop and catch your breath. stop, no matter what. forget your job and responsibilities and just take some time for yourself. if you think you're too busy, life will take care of it. and you will have to take the time off...

just a reminder for myself. You will not earn all the money in the world. and the house will never be spotless. and all the meals will not be cooked. not by one person, not in this lifetime. relax and let go.
relax, lie back on the couch( cus there's nothing else you can really do), and enjoy

rasskaji mne 4to ti zdes' delaesh'. Rasskaji mne kto ti. Rasskaji. ya ho4u znat'. Kto ti, devushka v serebraynom passate. rasskaji po4emu ti ne ho4esh' dumat' o tom, 4to budet dal'she. rasskaji po4emu ti tak boishsya tishini. rasskaji gde tvoe serdce i komu ti poesh' serenadi? Rasskaji.

Gde ti pry4esh' pravdu? V yahsike shkafa?
po4emu ti otkladivaesh' sebya na potom? 4to budet zavtra? A ti etogo ho4esh'?
A 4to poslezavtra? A ETO tebe nujno? ob etom ti me4tala? po4emu ti zdes'?

One day, noone knows when i will be strong enough. To say no. To everyone)
I despise all of it. Every single bit of shit surrounding me. I hate it. It's part of me. I hate myself. Hate for not being able to do something with myself, with my own life. Hate having to wake up to this crap every single morning. Hate not being able to change it. I know it's all about the attitude. I am weak. I have no more strength to conjure pozitive in the ocean of despicable creatures. Fuck that? Or live with it? How long more am i going to put up with it?