One day, noone knows when i will be strong enough. To say no. To everyone)
I despise all of it. Every single bit of shit surrounding me. I hate it. It's part of me. I hate myself. Hate for not being able to do something with myself, with my own life. Hate having to wake up to this crap every single morning. Hate not being able to change it. I know it's all about the attitude. I am weak. I have no more strength to conjure pozitive in the ocean of despicable creatures. Fuck that? Or live with it? How long more am i going to put up with it?
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nda... a jizn' idet./. o ne vse vsegda polu4aetsya tak kak hotelos' bi. vernee 4ashe vsego ne polu4aetsya tak kak ho4etsya. HOtela za leto zarabotat' mnogo deneg. i podumivala na eti den'gi vernut'sya domoi... vostanovitsya na u4ebu i vse takoe. a deneg net... i poetomu rasstraivaus'. potomu 4to snova reshu, 4to bez deneg vozvrashatsya negoje i snova pridetsya tut zimu kukovat'. uje toshno, 4esslovo.
hotelos' bi uehat' v sentyabre v oregon na vineyard, no danat ne puskaet, rugaetsya i rastraivaetsya. nu kuda je takoe goditsya? ya bi kone4no toje ne obradovalas', skaji on mne takoe. a ho4etsya. eshe hotelos' bi na4at' rabotat' nad svoei pekarnei. nu pora uje. vremya prishlo.
ili vremya prishlo idti dal'she, obrastat' opitom. KOgda you settle down, priobretaesh' dom, na4inaesh' business, zavodish' detei, pokupaesh' dorogoi kover, it doesn't make much sence to leave it behind to go work at the vineyard. or go do some crazy stuff.
i hate feeling lonely. hate realizing i don't have anyone to call and go out with. that's how i felt tonight. it sucked. big times.
i don't regret anything i did. i keep saying that. does it mean, deep inside i realise i did something wrong that i wish i hadn't done?
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I don't feel like summer. at all... I wish it was christmas time now. seriously. chilly winds, christmas trees and decorations, sales and presents. Besides, if it's winter, it means we don't have much to do and we travel. we go somewhere. somewhere fun. I feel like i haven't done anything fun lately. I haven't driven anywhere in a couple of months now. I miss it. But i'm too lazy to drive today. Maybe I should go to VA? Shopping? Asya? maybe not today. I could drive to Hatteras. Just for the hell of it... Too lazy. I could(and i probably should) do stuff at home today. Enough livin in moving-in conditions! gotta start working and cleaning and living like normal people!
no motivation. absolute boredom. i must be sick. It's gotta be some deadly desease. oh well. if i'm supposed to die soon, gives me even more reasons to do something fun. busch gardens. next week absolutely. or kings dominion. gotta get everyone...
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i'm tired of complaining all the time... it's not thet i doubt whether i made the right decision. It was the right thing to do THEN. I'm doubtful about what i should do right now...
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i'm so done with all this!
Just pissed at everything! You want some coffee stupid customer? why don't you make a big step back and literally fuck ur own face!!!! u are retards! stupid degenerates! you are so freakin' dumb, you wouldn't be able to tell your own reflection in the mirror from the monkey!
god, i hate these people, i hate this job, hate the owners of the business. "Oh no, Alina, do not adjust the AC. yeah, we want you to freeze to death in the store. why not? it's not cold at all. it's just freezing. Yeah, we would much rather pay for your medicine from pneumonia, than let ypou set the temperature in teh store! No-no-no! ac-system is too complicated, you're gonna mess it up!"
"oh no Alina, why do something right after closing? When you can do the same very thing @5.30 imn the morning when you just get to work! Of course, having driven 30 minutes to work all you wanna do is rinse the fuckin' airpots instead of just doing the most important stuff and try to wake up!"
Why do you need a manager in the store? Of course, to let the owners know she did sopmething wrong again. Oh yeah, i've been covering your amerivan fat ass for almost a year now, protecting your tender ears from all their critisism and telling them you are doing a terrific job. You, stupid, fat slow, sexually-unsatisfied cow! You, fucking retard! Is that how you pay me back?! By telling them something that's gonna cause me more trouble? By telling them i've made a decision that contradicts with theirs? when i just told you how i normally do that? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY I decided ON IT? I am not here to make any fckin' decisiopns! I'm only here to take shit for you, fuckin' retard! I'm only here to haer what you did wrong and ythink how to tell yo you are notr doing your job without offending you and without making you cry!
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priehala v Atlantu. odna. i vse bi ni4ego.. tolko bi mashina dovezla do doma... kofeinaya vistavka - eto 4to to)))) potryasaushe) stolko vsego... i 4empionat toje... klass. lublu bolshie gororda - muzei, vistavki, restorani i kofeini. i kafe. i vse takoe. bila v chocolate bar... ne skazat', 4to ponimau nazna4enie dannnogo zavedeniya - ibo kormyat tam tolko konfetami i desertami+vino i alkogol'. hotya net, po4emu j , ponimau - tipi4nii bar s netipi4nimi produktami. vpolne neploho i romanti4no i vse takoe.
a sednya ya bila v Alon's. Tam i bakery svoya i hleb oni svoi pekut, more desertov, deli s potryasaushimi sendvi4ami, siri, vino, dlya kajdogo est opisanie, shokolad, olivki, more vsego. O5 zabilos' serdce bistro-bistro, kak v rainbow grocery v SF. kogda ya popadau v takie mesta, mne o4en trudno ne tratit den'gi i derjat' sebya v rukah. vino i sir... moya slabost'. sir men'she 2-3 srazu ya ne beru, vot i polu4aetsya kruglen'kaya summa...no ni4ego...
zavtra dve lekcii i tut je domoi. planiruu k 12 bit' doma. no4i. posmotrim kak tam polu4itsya. a eshe o4en' ho4etsya zaehat' v ikeu zdes' i posmotret' what's up...
eshe bi o4en' hotelos' po magazinam, no ekonomit' nado, tem bolee pereejaem, snova $ nujni. i vtoruu rabotu iskat' toje samoe vremya... vot priedu i zaimus'.
do sih por gadau 4to je eto - glupost', bezrassudstvo ili smelost' - ehat' vot tak odnoi za tridevyat' zemel'? vot esli bi s amshinoi v4era ni4ego ne slu4ilos', jila bi sebe - ne perejivala...
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Plyaj.
Solnce.
Voda(v nebol'shih koli4estvah)
Banani
Klubnika
Shokolad
Vino
Sir
Kofe
4ai
mashina
ehat'(nepremenno daleko) ( po vozmojnosti odnoi)
fotoaparat.
kniga.(lu4she umnaya)
Jurnal (mojno pro edu)
Ludi
Riba
Palatka
Sneg
Holod
Morojenoe
Kino (vino-domino-trava----poker?)
sportzal
visota
extrim
ju4ki-pau4ki-tarakani
yasherici
It makes me happy.
I wish i was like a lizard. Get rid of the tail. Get rid of the old and grow out another one. No matter how long you've been growing the previous one - don't feel sorry for it. Drop it. Drop it all and don't look back - you might like it so much, you will desire to go back. Which is useless - old tail won't stick back.
nepremenno ho4u bit' yashericei v sledushei jizni
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We all live in the world where nobody knows what they want.it doesn't matter whether you are american or russian. ukranian or african. NOBODY! knows what they want feom his life. Nobody knows what they want to be in the furure. Nobody knows what they will do when they grow up. That's why it's so easy to manipulate these puppets.
That is the main and only reason people who really know what they want succeed. Because there are so many blind followers who will help them achieve their goals.
Are you the leader or the follower?
So many girls don't know whether they should stick with their boyfriends or go pursue their own dreams. Where exactly is happiness? Is it in your lover's arms? Or is it in yourself? How much do you need to be happy? Is it money? Or love? Or feeling that you can do something on your own? Isn't it obvious? Of course I AM my own happiness! Of course I can do everything on my own! Of course I don't need any other stimulae to make me happy.
It's so easy to say... why is it so hard to make it true?
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Zavtra sreda. edu v DC na Idan Raichel Project. Edu odna, pervii raz v DC, 6 4asov ot doma, na koncert na paru 4asov - potom tut je domoi, potomu 4to potom v 4t n arabotu k 9. ustanu. no ni4ego, it's worth it. Snova govoryat, 4to ya crazy. a 4to srazu ne vidno? Danat eshe bol'she crazy - 13 4asov na baike do Miami i obratno... holodno je. a u menya pe4ka ne rabotaet... po4ti to je samoe no4ju. budet -1.... no ni4ego, prorvemsya)
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a kak hotelos' bi umet' pisat stihi. i izlagat misli kratko i lkaoni4no...
itogo...
prshlo dr. proshlo davno. proshlo zame4atelno. horosho 4to tak mnogo narodu bilo... malo 4ego pomnu. bol'she tak mnogo pit' ne stoit.
proshel otpusk. 8 dnei puteshestvii. bezumno ponravilos'...
den 1 - iluha privez v aeroport. rano privez. v 12. a samolet v 4:10. jdala. potom zaderjali samolet v denvere. na 4as. eshe ojidanie...
priletela. U Ladd poison oak. san francisco... krasivo) bolshoi gorod.
den' 2 - ezdili v Muir woods. Ogromnie derevya. udivitelno... strannie oni, amerikanci - u nih tropinki v lesy. takie oficialnie tropinki - s perilkami. i - guess what!? - lavo4kami) kone4no, a vdrug ustanesh poka po lesu hodish... eli chizburgeri, priehal sam. ve4erom ezdili na Twin Peaks. - krasivo. vid na gorod.
dalshe hodili na pir 39, ezdili po samoi krivoi ulice i vsyakoe takoe. erunda odnako.. tourist stuff. uspela vstretitsya s innoi. vse menyautsya, nikto ne stoit na meste. gotovili ujin, jdali dyadu s tetei, uehali no4ju v oregon. usnula v mashine. oregon - nerealno krasivo) polnii vostorg. hot springs, no4 v palatke pod snegom, coast ride, no4 v palatke on the coast. morning on the campground. Seattle. Library, market, Sushi, park, coffee. dinner. more coffe... finally good. airport - phi- airport ORF - tears, hysterics, home. tired...exhausted.
So worth it)
Rabota-rabota-rabota.
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ustala...
dva goda postoyannih voprosov. Dva goda v reshenii - kuda je nakonec. Ustala ot etogo. ustala bit zdes'. i'm a big city girl. Or a country girl. Mne nujno deistvie. jizn' v miniature? net, ne moe...
skolko raz ya uje govorila vse eto? skolko raz poniamla, 4to ne ho4u i ne mogu zdes' bit? raz v polgoda to4no.. gotta get out of this shit
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yes, i'm drunk. does anybody fuckin care. yes i'm drinkin' all by mslf... i understand alcoholics. when it hurts - get drunk... it won't hurt anymore. when you are obsessed with something - shot after shot it disappears. when your feet are cold - Jagermeister will save you!
do they have jagermeister in russia? if they don't, i'm gonna have to take some there when i go.
seriously... it's all over. too ba i cannot get drunk and go to work... cuz i gotta drive a long way. they'll pull me over. dont wanna get in trouble.
everybody says san francisco's awesome. gonna spend some time there. maybe just a week. maybe all summer. maybe another year. but i'm going back home ether this fall or fall, 09
wait for me russia, i'm comig back....
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ludi - angeli s odnim krilom. I letat' oni mogut tol'ko obnyavshis'...
po4emu mi ishem vtorogo? za4em? proshe ved' bit' odnomu. a vdvoem mi silnee. naverno. jdem podderjki v polovine. isshem novii isto4nik sil i vdohnoveniya. a kogda naoborot? esli 4eloveku jalko? jalko podelitsya tem, 4to u nego est'?
po4emu prihoditsya ridat', 4tobi poprosit' o pomoshi, i daje prorevev 2 4asa ee ne dojdatsya? za4em tak unijatsya? idi na hui
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stol'ko vsyakih tehnik i metodik podnyatiya sebe nastroeniya. Ili prosto izbavleniya ot negativa. a vo mne net negativa. da i sili vrode est'. tol'ko oni spyat. gluboko spyat.
absolutneishaya apatiya ko vsemu, 4to proishodit. nikago jelaniya prinimat' u4astie v sobstvennoi jizni. i daje shevelit'sya ne ho4etsya sovsem. prosto sest', zakutatsya v odeyalo i utknutsya v telek, 4tobi nikto ne trogal i usnut' pod nego. a zavtra prosnutsya i 4tobi bilo nastroenie jit.
jdu marta
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i gnetet misl' o tom, 4to nel'zya je bit vot nastolko i vse vremya odnoi?... da? nu v smisle ne odnoi a vse vremya bit s molodim 4elovekom?... emu je toje nadoest?... ili uje nadoelo?
mne nadoelo. vse nadoelo. voprosi po povodu kogda ya priedu domoi... misli na temu togo kak nado jit. skol'ko mojno izvrashat'sya. katerina? ta kotoraya u 4ehova v groze. ili ne u 4ehova? nu ta, kotoraya lu4ik sveta v temnom carstve. ona je govorila 4to to vrode togo, 4to 4elovek rojden dlya s4astya i vse dela?
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Videla dev4onok tol'ko 4to v magazine. Sobirautsya buhat'. vdvoem... nu raz oni uvideli menya, zna4it shas pereberut mne vse kosto4ki. po4emu to nepriyatno ot etoi misli. sodnoi storoni: Why should i care? a s drugoi... znaya 4TO oni budut govorit'... prosto nepriyatno... dev4onki - ujasnie sushestva. i 4ego mal'4ishki kak za nimi begaut? ved naskol'ko proshe mal'4ikam - oni nikogo za spinoi ne obsujdaut, ni k komu v dushu ne lezut, spletni ne sobiraut, jivut sebe spokoino so svoimi mashinkami i motociklami. Pjut pivo i vse u nih horosho... nu po4emu ya ne rodilas' mal'4ikom?
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Mne kajetsya ya na4inau ponimat' mamu. mne vsegda bilo neponyatno, kak tak - po4emu u nee net druzei. nu takih, 4tobi sovsem blizkih, s kotorimi poiti ve4erom posidet', otdohnut' ot detei i muja...
s odnoi storoni - druz'ya eto velikii trud. malo zavesti sebe druga, ego je eshe nado uderjat'. s nim nujno govorit, kogda emu eto nujno. a tebe mojet bit ne ho4etsya ni s kem razgovarivat'? nujno videt'sya. i 4em bolee horoshie vi druz'ya, tem 4ashe eto nujno delat'. a otkuda u semeinoi dami vremya na vse eto bezobrazie? I ya teper' semeinaya dama? 4to u menya net vremeni posidet' s druz'yami gde to?
da ya bi ne skazala... prosto mne gorazdo interesnee prigotovit' ujin. i provesti ve4er doma. absolutno net jelaniya pit'. daje 4ut' 4ut'. da i slushat' babskie razgovori po povodu shmotok i mal'4ikov uje podnadoelo. a 4to togda? poiti pogovorit s molodimi mamami ob ih 4adah? ili posidet' so starimi tetyami, ponabiratsya u nih mudrosti? ili sidet' i igrat' kak zombi v komputernuyu igru? ili kak poslushnaya jena sidet' doma i gotovit' ujin?
figuring out life is tough.. will i ever be able to do it?
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Rain in the city. What can be better? What can be more overwhelming, more overpowering? But you know what the best part is? It's cleansing. Refreshing. Reviving.
Spring rain.
What can be better? Ice cream. Bright sunny day righht after the exam and ice cream. To wash out the stress)
The best smell? Smell of trees after the rain. Smell of a small town after a storm. Air so fresh so clean. So unbelivably crisp.
Best feeling? After waiting for the one you love see him come back home and smile at you.
Best dreams come after making love and falling asleep hugging someone you love.
Best morning? Coffee. And drowsiness. Complete drowsiness after sleepless night. (Not @ 5 in teh morning, though)
Best day? All by myself. Doing what I want to do. Not waiting for anyone. Not willing to see anybody else. Watching waves and listenig to seagulls. Eating ice cream and shopping.
Best thing to do every day? Forget cell phone at home. If it's important - can always call back. If it's an emergency, they'll find you anyway
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one day i'll get over it. One day on the 22-nd of January i'll wake up and i'll be happy it's my birthday. i won't be expecting anything from anyone. i'm not going to care, whether my boyfriend gives me flowers, gets me a present and breakfast in bed. One day. It's going to be the best Birthday of my life. By the time it happens, i'll have broken up with my boyfriend, cuz that's going to be the only way i don't expect that.
It's not about the present. Not at all. I can buy myself anything i like. It's not like i want something, i cannot afford and i want someone else to buy it for me... It's all about attention. It's all about the fact that somebody took the time and bothered to get a bunch of flowers. and picked you a present. ans spent some time thining about you and about doing something for you, because he loves you. Is it so hard to understand? Hasn't last year been an example good enough?
I want to get so drunk, that i won't be able to get up tomorrow. And when i finally do, i wanna be so sick, i can't think about anything that upsets me...
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22 goda. sovsem bolshaya stala... eshe 2 dnya. a tak otme4alovka poslezvtra. esli 4estno sovsem ne ho4etsya vseh etih celebrations, p'yanie lica, nenujnie podarki, bestolkovie slova. est ludi. i est expectations. i know that my expectations won't come true. that's why i'm trying real hard not to think about it. just forget about flowers and presents and breakfast in bed... just don't think about it. no dreams come true
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